ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
