i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
