She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
