Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
