Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
