Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
And then my night got REAL pukey
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
