first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
