I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
