Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
this hospital has no fireball
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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