i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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