he wants to bone in the snuggie
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
