what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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