I wish my penis had an off switch
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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