Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
