I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
soo... how was my night?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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