It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
