I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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