I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
