I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Randomize
