Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
