My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
