If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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