I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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