i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
i out mim tonsoeep
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