i was rollin on her like bob the builder
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
