You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
