she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
