Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
