I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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