Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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