Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
