Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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