i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
