Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
