Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
