I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
