gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
