I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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