True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
