you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
