that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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