He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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