peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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