If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
