haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
