i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
