Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
