Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
