i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
