i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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