We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
